Liner Notes

Though their early career, all pop and Liverpudlian smiles, was mostly love songs, THE BEATLES wrote many narrative songs and created characters like Rocky Raccoon, Eleanor Rigby and lovely Rita that have left a lasting impression on American musical consciousness. But publishing house Simon & Schuster have decided to sidestep those and adapt Octopus’s Garden as a children’s book instead. Ben Cort, the man responsible for Aliens Love Underpants, will illustrate the book. It will also come with an exclusive CD that has unreleased Ringo tracks and, one would think, “Octopus’s Garden” itself. Mr. Starr himself has said that he’s excited about the project and hopes that Simon & Schuster finally make good on their promise to release him back into the wild where he can relax calmly in the shade of the aforementioned garden. It’s where he’d like to be.

Once, long ago, giant lizards walked the earth. (Their decedents, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, still roam through the murky morass of modern America.) Scientist have recently paid tribute to one dead “Lizard King,” JIM MORRISON, by naming an extinct lizard species native to South East Asia after him. Dead for 35 million years, the newly named Barbaturex morrisoni was the largest plant-eating creature on earth, over six feet long when it was alive. No information on whether or not this means that high school sophomores across the nation will have glow-in-the-dark posters of extinct lizards in their room or sweat-stained shirts that say “South East Asian Poet” on them.

Carl Sagan is famous for calling Earth a “pale blue dot,” pondering our ultimate insignificance in the great, wide universe. Now, as a planet, we’re sending our most insignificant member into space to even things out. JUSTIN BIEBER and his manager, Scooter Braun, are going to space on Virgin Galactic. In a tweet announcing the news, Richard Branson, the owner and awesome billionaire behind Virgin Galactic, called the two “future astronauts.” Generations of Americans have held astronauts in high regard; now the term means next to nothing. Bieber, however, wants to do what one man has done before: “Let’s shoot a music video in space!” he tweeted at Branson. Other celebrities like Tom Hanks, Ashton Kutcher and Leonardo DiCaprio will also be ascending to the heavens when Virgin Galactic launches. Hanks will show them all the ropes; he’s been there before.

Apple recently announced iTunes Radio, a streaming music service in the vein of Spotify and Pandora. It will be free to use with advertisements. As many commentators have pointed out, this is not an innovative or new move by Apple, but instead they are trying to gain back some of the market for this kind of music delivery that has been eroded as its competitors have gained market dominance. Steve Jobs was famously against subscription services; but new CEO Tim Cook seems to think that now is the perfect time for iTunes Radio. iTunes also has the benefit of having a built-in store through which to sell users songs. No one brought up the fact that there is already an actual digital radio in iTunes already.

MUMFORD & SONS bassist Ted Dwane underwent a surgery recently to remove a blood clot from his brain. The band had to cancel a number of shows in the U.S. to get Dwane looked at and worked on after he was feeling ill. Mumford & Sons have released statements saying that Dwane is making a swift recovery and will be up bassing again soon. There is no current scientific data on whether or not being English and pretending to be from the American South during a bygone era leads to clotting of any kind; nor has their been any headway made into the 10-year study on the possible negative medical effects of spending a large amount of daylight hours in close proximity to folk instruments such as the banjo and the mandolin.