Liner Notes

Did you see those people playing football at the BEYONCÉ concert? Millions of people tuned in last month to watch the Super Bowl. A team won. Most people will forget which one got football’s highest honor in about a year or two, but what will last forever in the hearts and minds of children everywhere are the hilarious photos of Beyoncé mid-dance, mid-shout or mid-thrust.

Bey, considered by many to be one of the most beautiful people our nation has produced, proves that if you use high speed, high definition cameras, you can catch anyone making an awkward face. Beyoncé looks, in the photos, like some kind of vascular, angry character from an anime series, an Amazon bellowing out a war cry. Now normally these would just float around the Internet and people would laugh at them, make memes of them, and then just go back to cranking “Single Ladies” in the car on their drive to work. But Beyoncé’s publicist was not happy about the unflattering pictures. He said he would pursue action to have the photos “taken off the Internet.” The publicist has obviously never seen the Internet nor comprehended that such a phrase is absurd.

If you’re like me, you appreciate a good musical documentary. Now I’m not talking about Never Say Never, the JUSTIN BIEBER story. I’m talking about Gimme Shelter or The Monterey Pop Festival. Stephen Kijak, director of the recent ROLLING STONES documentary Stones in Exile as well as the great SCOTT WALKER doc 30th Century Man, is planning his next target. Will he set his sights on another legendary group or reclusive genius? Well, not exactly. He’s decided to make a documentary about the BACKSTREET BOYS. He’s collaborating with Pulse, the producers of Shut Up and Play the Hits, the excellent documentary about LCD SOUNDSYSTEM and its final moments. The question to consider now is: What happens if a compelling, engrossing musical documentary is made about The Backstreet Boys? Are we ready? I, for one, am hopeful. I want it that way.

There is an urban legend that relates a man’s shoe size to his . . . well . . . other size. This is the basis for a new app called Chubby Checker, which predicts a man’s penis size based on his shoe size and other factors. The only problem, other than the app’s hap-hazard pre-dick-tions is that there already was a CHUBBY CHECKER. What a twist! That’s right, the famous singer is not too happy about his nickname being used to test measurements. Maybe he’s appalled at the app’s function or maybe he just wants a slice of the penis-prediction-app market. He is suing the parent company responsible for making the app, citing that there was “irreparable damage” to his character, name or likeness. He’s seeking $500 million, even though the app was only downloaded 84 times. That’s about 6 million dollars per download, a steep shot up from the 99 cents that people paid for it on PalmOS.

Lady Gaga has had to cancel the rest of her tour in order to undergo surgery and give herself time to recover. Now, anyone following Gaga news knows that she hurt her hip early last month and had to cancel four shows to see if the swelling would go down. But what I suggest is that this is not an injury related accident. What if, instead, Gaga was going to get a sex change operation unlike any the world has ever seen before. She would not become a man, but some third gender that would, from that time forward, put an end to the frankly exhausting dichotomy we’ve got now.

The rapper 2 Chainz, known for being very clear about the number of chains he has and possible his music career, was arrested on Valentine’s Day for possession of marijuana. He could spend up to a year in jail. If this happens, it has been speculated that he will change his stage name to Several Bars.