The 10 Budtenders You Will Come into Contact With in Your Life

Budtenders 1. The Know-It-All:

It may seem like common sense to some people, but most humans don’t like hanging around or even talking for a long period of time with any know-it-alls. It’s really cool that you know the difference between 20 different kinds of cannabinoids found in a variety of different plants, but correcting me when I mispronounce a long crazy word that I don’t even need to know in order to get my cannabis from you, is generally uncool. And then rolling your eyes while I try to correct myself, is borderline rude. Great information is great to have—sharing that information should be solicited, not forced upon any bystander because you’re proud you didn’t go to college and you still know a lot about something. Mansplaining is a thing—so is Budsplaining. Neither make me want to come back to your store.

2. The Self-Obsessed Pretty Girl:

You are a truly pretty girl—nice to look at, well put together, and Mother Nature has been very kind to you (or maybe it was Dr. Schultz in Beverly Hills). But, there is no need to be more interested with your own reflection in the glass case than in helping me get my cannabis—every shiny surface is not made for you to glance at and fix your top or your fake smile. Stop flipping your hair, and please stop showering in perfume when you know you’re going to be talking to customers all day at close range.

3. The Wishes They Were Alive in the ‘60s Stoner:

This guy or girl is usually a ton of fun, very entertaining character, all in all. But, this person will drag on in conversation, will keep you around, unable to end the dispensary visit and begging for another customer to come in and need something. This contemporary hippie will smell of patchouli oil and seem very tired; he or she will have some item on their body made of hemp at any given time of day, and they will spout free love and peace based jargon frequently. They may not be able to help you find something particular, and they will most likely not be able to pay attention to what you say, what you want or that time and space actually exist. Overall they are adorable and harmless, but incredibly exhausting.

4. The Stuck Up Elitist Who May or May Not Give You Your Bud:

This budtender will make you feel like shit. They are silent know-it-alls, judging you for every description and choice you make in the green department. Their silence is deafening and makes you worried that they will either spit in your concentrate or withhold your flower because you are not worthy of such great bud. They intimidate you into submission, and refuse to kindly educate you because you should’ve come into their store with better knowledge already. Fun!

5. The Too High to Function Budtender:

This stereotype speaks for itself. This budtender will greet you in a calm and slow manner, look at you with their highly medicated red or pink eyes, and probably forget every word you just said to him/her. Generally, you don’t want to get high on your own supply—and there’s that whole professionality thing—if you’re holding down a job, in any field, you shouldn’t be wasted while you work. Period. These type of budtenders are so high that you start to ponder whether you should even purchase your cannabis OR they’re so high that you want to smoke the same bud they smoked. Either way, these types of budtenders know their shit when it comes to good bud. Signs your budtender is too high to function: Slurred words, uncomfortable staring, moving at a very slow pace, spacing out, mumbling, or occasional dancing or singing. You either love them, or you hate them because you just want them to hurry the f*** up and give you your damn bud.

6. The Touches Everything Guy:

I honestly don’t know why this budtender needs to use his hands to touch everything—and we are talking everything: Flowers, edibles, his nose, his hat, my hand, you name it, he wants to touch it. But, why does he feel compelled to handle the fresh flowers and edibles and even concentrates that I want to buy without gloves or chopsticks or tongs or even toothpicks? Please stop handling the flowers. Please stop shaking the hands or bro-hugging your buddies in the same 20 minute interval that you are handling flowers. Please don’t just think that using hand sanitizer right before parsing out and picking apart my buds is great either.

7. The Wishes They Were a Doctor Budtender:

This could be one of my favorite budtenders to run into, but that’s only if the wannabe doctor doesn’t also fall into the know-it-all category. Although it’s unlikely you’ll identify this budtender due to them rocking scrubs and a stethoscope, it will be confirmed once they start diving a little too far into your personal health business. While the aspiring physician will likely be able to point you in the right direction in terms of what type of cannabis is best for your ailments, be sure to cross check any far out claims with an actual physician.

8. The Disengaged Grumpy Guss:

This guy is my favorite. He is angry at the world, and hates his life for some unknown reason. It’s almost cute. If my job all day was to work with bud—I would be ecstatic and happy all the time (Oh, wait! I do, and I am!) This grumpy guss is funny and self deprecating, making weird obscure jokes under his breath but loud enough that you can hear him, while also being thorough—but of course, only to a minimum degree of care, because he honestly does not care; not about you or me or cannabis or even that his apartment is growing an odd smell from the moldy Chinese food containers strewn about the floor. Just knowing that he exists and that I can observe him in his natural grumpy habitat, or at the local dispensary, entertains my soul and makes me giggle.

9. The Overly Excited Frat Boy Turned Cannasseur:

This surprisingly ripped budtender is clearly new to the cannabis scene and simply over-the-moon with excitement—he is pumped about getting you your cannabis—hence the reason we’ve coined him the frat boy turned cannasseur. From giving you high fives when he realizes you both love Sour Diesel to calling you “dude” and “bro,” this budtender is an easy one to like, or at least identify. He’ll likely be rocking college apparel paired with an authentic, bright smile. While it’s tempting to become a little annoyed by this budtender, keep in mind his eager attitude means that he’s willing to share dabs with all his new buds—and that could be you!

10. The Slightly Scary Gangsta-Looking Homie:

When you walk into a dispensary and see a that gangsta-looking looking budtender, your first thought would probably be “Oh shit, I got to act like I know what I’m doing—do not act like a newb. Be Cool. Be Cool.” Or, you could think that you’re in the wrong place, or that you are not supposed to be in that place. You try to act cool as you approach them—come to find out these type of budtenders are truly the homies. They will recommend you the best bud, but then bring you a bud better than that one, then bring you a bud better than the one they just brought out that was better than the first one. But each bud they bring comes with a boring ass story about how high they got with the homies—or a stern and silent stare. No need to fear these bears, Goldilocks.

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