Dear Sarah,
It all started a while ago when my Dad scored some great seats to Tom Petty at Irvine Meadows. He asked me for a few joints of “the good stuff,” and—not wanting to seem as judgmental about his cannabis consumption as he was when I was a young adult—I begrudgingly accommodated him. Little did I know that not more than a week later he would be calling me again, at which point I gave him the phone number to a local doctor and showed him how to use WeedMaps.
Since then, he has taken an extended interest in YouTube, requires three times as long to do everyday tasks, and calls me every time he discovers “how amazing” another Beatles song is (but he never realized it until now). I’m worried that it has been affecting other parts of his life in an unhealthy manner. How do I talk to my dad about his cannabis consumption without sounding like, well, him?
~ Perplexed in Pomona
Dear Perplexed,
One of the most fascinating experiences working at a collective was seeing a son bringing his father in, only to soon see his father more often than the son! All in all, it was for the best.
My advice is that you come from a place of caring with your father, and drop any element of judgment from your conversation. Frankly, if your dad wants to watch YouTube and listen to the Beatles on his free time, which is no more your business than it is of his what you do on your free time.
Take a very honest inventory of your dislikes regarding his cannabis use. Exactly what ways is it negatively affecting his life and the others around him, if at all? Or does it just kind of bug you that your dad is smoking marijuana on his off time?
Remember, your dad is an adult just like you. Not only will he likely react poorly if you approach this from the wrong place, but, frankly, unless your dad’s cannabis use is negatively affecting his life and others around him, it is no one’s affair but his. For example, eating Twizzlers in higher volume than vegetables definitely counts as a negative effect. Getting phone calls about the Beatles doesn’t.
Chill out a little, dude. Go spark one up with your pops.
Dear Sarah,
I can’t help but notice these days some collectives depend far too much on lab results alone, and they are not taking the same hands-on approach to screening medicine that was standard practice just two years ago. The area I notice lacking the most is flushing.
I have seen some terrible products pass pesticide screening, only to be full of hard metals! What is a patient to do when the only thing screening the meds is a machine?
~ Burned in Banning
Dear Burned,
The cannabis testing laboratories do a fantastic job testing for toxic pesticide residue, harmful mold or bacteria and excessive moisture content. They also have broken new ground in analyzing potency of various THC and CBD compounds as well as the presence of specific terpenes. That being said, it is accurate that there is not yet an industry standard for testing cannabis for residual metallic content (what is also known as “poor flushing”).
If you looked at the label of any plant fertilizer, the guaranteed analysis would read like construction materials. Iron, zinc, calcium, sodium, silicon, phosphorous and magnesium are standards for cannabis fertilizers. Plants move these metals up through the roots and into the cell walls of the leaves and buds. Properly “flushed” flowers have been fed pure water at the end of their life cycle so that all or most of the hard metals have been fully metabolized and broken down. After the flowers are burned with a flame the ash is clean, fine and white. Improperly flushed flowers will resist a flame like a wet sponge, smoking poorly until there is just a black ball left in the bowl. They also taste like licking a spoon. Imagine sprinkling metal shavings into your medicine, and then smoking the bowl—same thing. As cannabis testing laboratories increase their safety screening capabilities, proper flushing will be critical for products to be considered “acceptable for consumption.” Until then, we just have to do it the same way we used to “test for potency.” Light it up, and see how it burns.
Dear Sarah,
I am a moderately successful, professional, articulate individual who is also a long-time patient. I work a “normal” job, so I don’t always exclusively date exclusively. I have a digestive condition, and regular medication is very important to maintaining my appetite. However, sometimes I worry that I show up to a first date looking like I just put down the water pipe (not to mention that many people who aren’t patients think that those who are just do to get high). I am lost trying to walk this fine line. Help!
~ Wondering in West Hollywood
Dear Wondering in WeHo,
You have found yourself in a very tough, but common spot for patients who socialize in and out of the medical community. If there were a magical, end-all-be-all list for ending the prejudice against cannabis consumers in our society, it would probably be legal already. Therefore, I shall do my best in a brief but genial way to solve this century-old injustice and your particular dating concerns.
I would suggest starting with your own advice of not hitting the water pipe and walking out the door. To be honest, cannabis usually retains its beneficial effects for 3 to 4 hours before wearing off. That should be plenty of time to jump in the shower and brush your teeth before heading out the door while still retaining your appetite by dinner time. Also, for some reason, visuals leave a strong impression on humans. A few eye drops will help clear up that misconception with ease. Furthermore, try wiping your fingertips with alcohol swabs after packing the bowl. You don’t want her to get a big whiff of Afgoo as you brush back her hair for the good night kiss.
Lastly, you are your own ambassador. Being a charming and witty date who is considerate and displays manners will likely end the fallacies about cannabis consumers. That is unless your date is a closed-minded blockhead. At which point you offer her a drink, and then point out the hypocrisy of the Long Island Iced Tea she’s drinking.
Just kidding—or, maybe not.
Got a burning question about love, life and/or the pursuit of medicine? Ask Sarah Diesel, medical-marijuana advocate and Countess of Class and Cannabis. Just keep your questions short, straightforward and obscenity-free, and email them to AskSarah@freeculturemag.com.
