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In 2010, much of Haiti was leveled by a massive earthquake. Earlier this year, an even larger quake occurred off the coast of Japan, sending a tsunami barreling toward the mainland and causing a nuclear catastrophe. What

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In 2010, much of Haiti was leveled by a massive earthquake. Earlier this year, an even larger quake occurred off the coast of Japan, sending a tsunami barreling toward the mainland and causing a nuclear catastrophe. What caused these events? Is it an disastrous effect of global climate change? Is it the punishment of some wrathful god? New research from seismologists in New Zealand has led to the shocking discovery that earthquakes originate from one central source: the Foo Fighters.

Long thought to be the result of shifting segments of the earth’s crust called plates, earthquakes are now found to be generated by large build-ups of Foo Fighter fans (scientifically referred to as “tools”). According to a press release, “the capacity crowd of 50,000 [attendees] at the Foos’ Dec. 13 gig at Auckland, New Zealand’s Western Springs Stadium generated actual detectable geological tremors.” There were even, as the GeoNet Blog stated, “lulls in the signal between the songs and peaks in signal intensity during the songs.” For years, music critics have doubted the Foo Fighters’ ability to rock at all; now it seems they have the ability to quite literally do just that.

I, for one, welcome our new alt-rock overlords.

If you live anywhere near a college where there are under-motivated sociology majors, you may have noticed an increase in mournful, nervous bong hits recently. That’s because the remnants of everybody’s favorite slacker band Sublime (which has been playing with a new singer under the name Sublime with Rome) showed signs that it might be dissolving its musical ties once and for all. Well, tack that Sublime poster back up next to your Bob Marley glow-in-the dark banner and your Rastafarian flag, upper-middle class white kid who won’t have a real job until he’s 34, because Sublime With Rome announced that it is not breaking up.

The band posted a message on its website to clear up the “misunderstandings and miscommunication on what exactly is going down.” The group continued, saying “[o]ur brother Bud is about to have a baby and, understandingly, is taking some time off to be with his family.” Sublime With Rome fans had to read the above sentence twice because they chuckled at the name Bud.

Sublime With Rome also wrote that it will be announcing “major touring plans for 2012.” It also started its search for a temporary replacement drummer to fill in for Bud. Diehard fans shouldn’t worry about the line-up change, though; it’s not drummers that Sublime has a difficult time keeping around.

The Shins announced the impending release of its fourth album, Port of Morrow. James Mercer, the frontman of the band, wrote and recorded the songs almost entirely by himself. Most of the instruments heard on the record were played by Mercer. Instead of just releasing a solo album, however, Port of Morrow will be put out as a Shins record issued on Mercer’s label, Aural Apothecary. There’s an industry for this kind of behavior: he Corgan’d it.

A note to James Mercer, if you’re reading this: you seem like a nice man, and I don’t think your hard work on your band’s fourth album is actually a sign of deep ego-mania. But just in case, please, please don’t shave your head.

R. Kelly, the delusional gift that keeps on giving, has announced his very own luxury cruise. The Love Letter Cruise sets sail from Miami on Oct. 1 and bounces around the Caribbean for five days.

The cruises’ website promises “a fabulous performance” by Kelly who has, the message reminds you “never [been] seen before at SEA.” It reads further that guests will “enjoy delicious cuisines,” “work up a sweat at the ‘Stepping Class’” or “the ‘12 Play’ Basketball Game” and much more. Who knows, maybe Kells will even take a few lucky passengers out on jet-skis. I mean, we all know he loves water sports.

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