Red Lights, Big City
When looking for local color, entertainment and relaxation, let Amsterdam hash things out for you
By David Jenison
Leave it to Amsterdam to have red lights that mean “go,” coffee shops that chill you out and a museum dedicated to vodka. Sure, you want to go for the bewitching windmills and hand-holding canal cruises, but this month there’s another reason to visit the Netherlands—it’s the 23rd Annual Cannabis Cup! At nearly a quarter-century old, this yearly event actually started amidst Reagan’s War on Drugs, but guess which one’s still going strong? (At least the Gipper’s got Grenada.) Today, the Cup even gets in the spirit of sharing, snacking and sleeping by taking place during Thanksgiving week (Nov. 21-25), and there’s an especially good reason to give thanks. For a couple hundred bucks, you can be a judge. That’s right, the Judge Pass provides access to daily concerts (e.g. the first-generation hip-hop tribute), free samples at certain booths and a chance to rate the goodies. Will Super Lemon Haze win for a third year in a row or will the longhairs go purple in honor of Jimi H? You help decide. As they say on MTV, choose or lose!
Contrary to popular belief, cannabis is technically illegal in Amsterdam, but the city practices “tolerance” under the Opium Act of 1919. In fact, they tolerate about 250 coffee shops that can sell up to five grams a head. The Bulldog is the touristy chain and movie buffs might recognize Dampkring from Ocean’s 12, but the more celebrated shops include Barney’s, The Bluebird, Homegrown Fantasy, Abraxas and Greenhouse. The Old Center, where most of the shops are found, also houses the world famous Red Light District. In these designated areas, hookers stand in glass displays under red lights, and the action reportedly starts at 50 Euros. Yes, that’s about how much you paid for that UFC fight on pay-per-view, but this time the half-naked participants are girls. At least they normally are. This isn’t Thailand, but definitely check for an apple to avoid a Crying Game sequel. And no, Tiger Woods, there isn’t a Judge Pass for the Red Light District.
While all this sounds like Disneyland for hippies, the Old Center is actually a hub of mainstream tourism as well. It’s one of Europe’s largest city centers with 7,000 historic buildings on 90 islands connected by hundreds of bridges. The Dutch certainly suffered during the second World War—as the popular Anne Frank House can attest—but it escaped the intense bombing that demolished other European capitals. The center does have a New Side with modern buildings, but the Old Side features the most interesting architecture, neighborhoods and vices. Other popular areas include the UNESCO-stamped Canal Ring and the gentrified hipster hang Jordaan, which is also a good place to try wit beer (white beer) or an Amstel without the Light. Ladies might even find a local hipster here, but don’t forget it’s called “going Dutch” for a reason. (Thanks to my Dutch friend Chris Groeneweg for that one.)
Considering its rich art history, the city naturally features a first-rate Museum Quarter and oddball spaces like the Heineken Experience, the Amsterdam Dungeon and the Vodka Museum Amsterdam. Still, the one must-see attraction is the Van Gogh Museum. Besides housing the largest collection of VVG’s works, the museum features written correspondence that exemplifies the master’s mental decline that resulted in lopping off his ear and pulling a Kurt Cobain at age 37. An unknown at the time, Van Gogh would be hailed a genius within a decade and become one of the Fathers of Modern Art (and this writer’s all-time favorite).
Regardless of the season, it’s also worth taking the hour-long train ride to Rotterdam for the best holiday cheer since The Spirit of Christmas. Several years ago, sculptor Paul McCarthy crafted a giant Santa Claus statue for the city center and decided to put a Christmas tree in St. Nick’s right hand. Unfortunately, it looks more like a sexual device, and the townsfolk quickly dubbed it the Gnome Butt Plug. The statue was quickly relegated to a museum garden, and the evocative name gave anxiety attacks to the poor Travelocity gnome. As fate would have it, Kinky Claus has since become a tourist attraction (thank you, Americans!) and even has its own Facebook page! In fact, a 24-meter inflatable version was put up in Antwerp, Belgium, which could probably enter Guinness Records as the world’s largest inflatable butt plug. In defense of the sculptor’s work, there is some logic to the plug. I mean, what better way for Santa to find out who’s naughty or nice?
Finally, if you really do want to see windmills, check out De Gooyer and Molen van Sloten outside the center. Just tell your friends you’re judging a coffee shop out there.
www.holland.com.
